Gender & Sexuality in your game
This is a difficult topic to discuss.
There are people with PhD's who struggle with this topic, so by no means is this a complete exploration of gender and sexuality. I'm just one little queer gamer in a big sea of games, who happens to think all people are people, regardless of arbitrary assignments forces upon a society by a pragmatic and often under-informed few with large amounts of power and money. Everyone is at a different place in their journey of understanding regarding themselves, the world, and how other people experience the world. What I write here is my perspective, my opinion, and not intended to be a declaration of universal truth. I write with the intention of sharing my perspective, and hope you will read with that understanding.
Gender.
Gender is hard. Why is gender hard? Because gender is complicated. Back in the day it was easy for Gary Gygax to say things like:
"Gaming in general is a male thing. It isn't that gaming is designed to exclude women. Everybody who's tried to design a game to interest a large female audience has failed. And I think that has to do with the different thinking processes of men and women."
To be fair, I don't know where exactly the quote comes from, so I can't be 100% sure that he even said it, but it does show the general view of things for non-male gamers for a long time in the game world. This view was applied not only to players, but game designers as well.
I would say...
"Games are not a gender thing. It isn't that gaming is designed for any particular gender. Everybody who has tried to design a game to interest a single gender audience has failed. And I think that has to do with the fact that nothing is necessarily restricted to the enjoyment of one gender."
Have you ever met a non-male who enjoys football? Is or was in the military? Drinks beer? Votes republican? Wears a suit? Wears pants? Has short hair? Has sex with women? A lot of things that used to be culturally "male" have expanded to just be... things. These days it's generally no big-deal for a non-penis-person to walk into a corner office wearing a suit. Most of the time it's no big deal for a non-penis-person to walk into a bar and order a jack and coke. And moreover, many penis-people are awakening to the realization that they do not have to be limited to short hair, boring clothes, and plain nails.
In my opinion, this is good. Someone's genital configuration should not dictate what they are or are not allowed to enjoy, or how they can express themselves. This includes games. Games should not be relegated to any single group of people. Nice people of all genders, social abilities, and residences should be included in games.
But how do we make this happen? I have certainly had my share of doozies at game conventions. There are still game masters and players who aren't sure what to do with non-penis-people at their table. It can be difficult to use new pronouns for someone, or a new name. It can be a challenge to ignore curiosity that verges into intrusiveness.
Now I will share to you the mystic wisdom that solves all gender issues:
Don't worry about gender.
Easier said than done, I know, but that's the basic tactic I recommend. It shouldn't matter what gender your players or characters are. You build stories that are interesting and compelling. You create challenges that are suited to the skills and histories of your characters. You interact with all players as equal participants of the group and make sure that all voices are heard.
If it is that easy, then why can't all GM's and players adopt this basic, straightforward, easy to understand philosophy? I am going to speak in grand-sweeping-generalities that do not apply to all gamers, or all men, so forgive my broad brush. I think some gamers struggle to emotionally and intellectually deal with non-men in gaming space because for years dudes didn't have to deal with anyone but dudes at their table. When everyone around you looks like you, acts like you, and espouses (or at least does not challenge) your views, there's no risk of being confronted or challenged by someone who disagrees or has a different perspective. Accountability and personal responsibility are often uncomfortable. It takes time, practice, and patience to learn and grow as a person. I think many people struggle to learn and grow at a pace that can keep up with the growth of the gaming industry.
Sexuality.
Why does sexuality make you uncomfortable? Well, duh - it makes you think about people having sex. I personally get a little weirded out by hetero couples bragging about being pregnant, because I don't want to think about them banging. That's so gross. But I'm not into most hetero stuff. That's not my sexuality.
Most of us grew up surrounded by a standard heterosexual view of things. Most folks don't think about men and women having sex because it's common. Most folks know how hetero stuff works, so they don't need to spend any brain energy bypassing the gross stuff about it. But if you haven't learned about non-heterosexual intimacy, it might make you wonder about how it works. That can make people feel uncomfortable. Luckily, the internet exists! The more information you have about the basics of topics, the less hung up and embarrassed you'll feel about them. I'm not advocating for opening an incognito browser and checking out adult content, but there are resources available from experts about non-heterosexual relationships that can help you get some baseline knowledge of the mechanics and cultural impacts of inequality and oppression.
And, hey, you might even like learning about it. That's another thing that I think freaks people out sometimes. It can be frightening to learn about ourselves, because we may have to recontextualize everything we thought we knew about who we are. Growth is difficult. Having gone through decades of figuring out my particular configuration of human sexuality and cultural gender, I can speak personally to the challenge.
So, what does that have to do with games? Well, games are a social, shared experience, and if sexuality is not considered, we may do harm to each other unintentionally.
Things to Consider
Gender based races, religions, and classes.
While it may be entertaining to have a race of warrior-women who live in the forest, wear little to no clothing, and force men to have sex with them, that isn't necessarily a good thing to include without intention. If we're going to explore that sort of trope, we should probably look at it from a multi-perspective stance. Where did the men go? Why are they gone? Why don't the women wear a lot of clothing? Why do they force men to have sex with them? How do these questions fit into the world and story? Is there a plot reason, or is this included for self-gratification? We shouldn't put things in the world and game just because we think it's funny or sexy. Compelling world building and gameplay comes from exploring topics at a greater depth than "big naked lady like smash little man, haha."
And what message are we sending when we depict certain genders and sexualities as aggressive, evil, or weird? Who are we normalizing and who are we ostracizing with our stories? While some folks might say, "It's not that deep, just play the game," I argue that games, like any art form, are not only an expression of ourselves, but can impact others. What we normalize and what we demonize in art can result in harm towards others, intended or not. We must be mindful of what we bring into a game, because someone might bring it out of the game.
Highly Sexualized Villains
I love the Dune series by Frank Herbert, but, dude - you can NOT have the main villain be a fat gay pedo without some serious thought.
Associating villainy and evil with minority groups is dangerous because it reinforces real-world bigotry. Evil people are not evil because they're gay, overweight, or because they have a particular skin color or heritage. Evil people are created by broken systems.
The stories we tell influence the people who hear those stories, and we have to be mindful of who might be harmed in the real world by the hatred we normalize through our entertainment.
Remember when Nazi's were bad and every villain was just a metaphor for Hitler? Remember when the Soviet Union was bad and every conflict was a metaphor for the Cold War? In games we fight our real world adversaries. If your real world adversaries are women, fat people, queer people, or people of color, then you should probably take some time to reevaluate your understanding of the world.
This is not to say that none of your villains can be part of a minority group. Your villains can look however you want them to, have relationships with whoever you want them to, and their evil can be motivated by whatever you want. You are your own person, and your choices are yours. What I argue is that the role of the world builder and game runner is to craft compelling stories with players. This means we must consider motivations and conditions outside of tropes and stereotypes. There is value to taking the time to assess assumptions about your villains, challenge them, and explore alternatives. Complexity creates interesting conflicts.
Ignoring Gender/Sexuality
It would be nice to just say, okay, sweet, gender and sexuality don't matter, but that's not realistic. Does it matter that the prince is gay? Yeah, it does - if he doesn't produce an heir, what happens to a patriarchal line of succession? Now this is a plot point. Does it matter that the farmer over there is gay? Probably not. So, we can just let the cute gay farmers live their best lives without making it a plot point. Picking when to address gender and sexuality is important. If we don't want gender or sexuality to matter at all, then we have to think about the big picture. Is adoption acceptable as a form of succession? Remember that for a large part of human history, bloodlines have mattered. And if we're playing a game where magic is passed down through genetics, then gender and sexuality continues to matter. If we're going to make gender and sexuality irrelevant, then we need to consider countless cultural and hierarchical structures that most settings take for granted. There is no magic wand to wave to just make things not matter. Civilizations are complex, living things that grow and change. As the game master we have to consider the complex impacts of societal values and traditions to ensure internal consistency.
That's difficult. But, if everything is easy, then what's the point of playing, right? Sometimes it's okay that people have to deal with challenges in a game. People have views about other people based on things out of their control. Challenging preconceived notions makes for interesting stories and dynamics. It also makes the world feel more real. Gender and sexuality exist - we cannot easily ignore them as a way to avoid addressing them. I believe we need to address gender and sexuality in a way that makes sense for the game we are playing.
Things I Recommend
COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PLAYERS
The most important thing to do is keep open lines of communication with your players. Make sure you are running a game where they feel comfortable as players and characters. Work with them to tell the story, and when you come across something that makes someone at the table uncomfortable (including yourself), work with your players to resolve the tension. Maybe someone has just never encountered an openly gay person before, or maybe they aren't used to non-males playing games. Who knows? By talking about things like adults you can continue to play like kids.
Get the Terminology Correct.
You'll notice that I use a lot of different terms to describe the genders and sexualities we've been discussing. Language is a constantly evolving communication tool, and since we live in a post-Tumblr society, it seems new genders and sexualities are popping up every day. I'm part of the alphabet-soup-mafia and I can't keep up with all the terms. However, as the GM, we need to make sure we are setting the right tone for the game. Not all people are male and female. Sometimes people are transitioning to their correct gender. Sometimes the person you've known as Dave for the last three years is now Diane and she's living her best life. My best advice is to not be a dick about it. We have to do our best to use the correct names and pronouns for folks. We will fail and fall short. But if we don't try, then we can't succeed.
And know that not everyone is comfortable with all words. Some terms that used to be common and acceptable are not okay to use. If you aren't sure what words to use, just ask. People will generally tell you what they are and aren't comfortable with. And if they don't want to talk with you about it, then you haven't made them feel safe. If they don't feel safe, that's a problem and to solve. The best medicine for ignorance is education. Find advocates and educators who can help you understand. Learn better ways of thinking, speaking, and acting. Not only will it make our games more fun, but it will broaden our horizons in the real world too.
Embrace Change
The landscape of society is constantly changing. With the advent of instant and constant communication, ideas can transfer faster than ever before. This means people who previously were isolated and afraid now have support from countless people going through the same struggles. One person can not understand all things, and no one expects anyone to. Maybe you don't get the whole non-binary thing. Okay. That's fine. I mean, I'm a non-binary person and I don't know if I could explain it. How can I explain to someone what my liver feels like? How can I explain the revulsion I feel when looking at steamed spinach to someone who loves spinach? Who we are and how we experience the world is unique to each of us, and seeking full understanding of another person is a lifelong exercise in futility. We cannot even fully know ourselves, because we are constantly changing as we experience our lives. What we can do, however, is respect the lives of each person we meet. We can be supportive, even when we don't understand. We can take the time to consider how our games are going to impact our players. Things in the outside world push into our games all the time, and as game masters we get to be part of navigating difficult topics.
Here's my advice.
Keep an open mind.
Keep an open heart.
Keep learning.
Keep loving.
Keep rolling dice.